Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
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