guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
