totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
Randomize
