i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
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