The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
