dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Randomize
