saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
