I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Randomize
