Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Randomize
