Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Randomize
