ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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