Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Randomize
