last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
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