i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
