I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...
exactly, that's why i want something interesting
slutty neuroscientist?
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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