i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
