The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
