My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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