So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
Randomize
