It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
Randomize
