Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
