I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
Randomize
