Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
I swear she didn't look like that last week.
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
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