actually, I'm a sock model
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
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