I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
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