mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
She just used a chaser for red wine.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
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