Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
