You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
