he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
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