he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
Randomize
