Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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