Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
He's on the porch naked. Help.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
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