If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Randomize
