Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
Randomize
