to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize