Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
