either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
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