My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
whose parrot is this?
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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