my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
