Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize
