He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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