Soap is not a condiment
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
