we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Randomize
