sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
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