So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
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