Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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