i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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