you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
