I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
It's shark week go big or go home
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
