I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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