He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
You are a genius and a whore.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
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