I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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