her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
