someone threw a dead crab at me
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Randomize
