So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
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