I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
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