can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Now that I've come to graduate college. I realized the only discernible skill I learned was how to roll a joint properly. go me.
Well thats $24,000 well spent.
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
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