And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
When are your genitals available?
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Randomize
