She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
