I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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